why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
