you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
