1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
She just used a chaser for red wine.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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