How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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