i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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