You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
i think i just lost a toe
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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