just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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