hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
