Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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