If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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