I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
