So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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