Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
