Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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