Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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