I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
