i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
