im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
