hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Everyone says I win the strip club
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
