Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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