Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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