2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
