I just cut my nipple shaving
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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