Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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