It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just invented taco cereal.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize