I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
