DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
