She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
