girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
