I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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