I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just forgot I was standing up.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
