Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
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