Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
