my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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