At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
