so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
