I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
