Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
