Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Oh god it's open bar.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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