Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
