Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I've blown a few things in my day
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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