I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
