I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
