no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
