I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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