dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize