mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
They are going to name an STD after you.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
