my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
