i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
