smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
