Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize