So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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