No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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