I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
