He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
