suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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